Alive
by 0RamblingRose0
Summary: Part 1 of 3 in a series. Tonks hears music in the dead of night and goes to investigate. RLNT.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Alive  
Author: LupinLovesTonks  
Rated: M for implied nudity and a sexual situation.  
Disclaimer: HP & all others are trademarks of JK Rowling. No profit is made from the use of these trademarked entities. No animals were harmed in the typing of this fic. Void where prohibited, see store for complete rules and details. Any similarities to actual events are strictly a coincidence.  
Summary: Part 1 of 3 in a series. Tonks hears music in the dead of night and goes to investigate. RLNT.

AN: If you are/were a follower of the Alive-Birth series, PLEASE go to my forums and read my special post on this story.

* * *

Chapter One

* * *

Tonks sighed and removed the pillow from over her face.

It was the third night in the row that Hank William's _I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry_ had been playing practically non-stop from somewhere downstairs. It wasn't that she minded the song, it's just she was wondering why whoever it was decided to play it after everyone had gone to sleep.

She hadn't minded because it made her think of her dearly departed cousin. Her heart clenched as Sirius came to her mind. She hadn't said anything to anyone yet, because she didn't want any of them to think her weak for missing someone she barely knew

He'd actually been one of her favourite cousins growing up, even though his mum didn't exactly allow him to come over often. He would usually come over during the holidays while he was at Hogwarts, usually he had James or Remus with him, because he never felt going home was an option.

She smiled slightly remembering how she had trailed along behind her cousin and his friends when they visited. Then suddenly it dawned on her; there was one person in the house that knew what it was like to lose him. It was someone that would rather keep to themselves and hide their feelings behind slightly tattered robes and mysterious hazel eyes.

She crawled out of the bed and pulled on a bathrobe before padding down the stairs quietly; narrowly missing the umbrella stand she usually crashed over. However, since Sirius' death, she had barely blundered or even stumbled over anything. She hadn't even once broken a dish or cup. So missing the umbrella stand hadn't come as such a big surprise since everything else about her clumsy nature was off.

The song had already started over once again and was getting louder as she approached the study. She slowly pushed the door open, the music getting clearer and louder as she did so.

The room was dark with only the almost full moon providing light. She stepped into the room, her eyes on the shadow of the man standing in front of the window, gazing out at the moon with a bottle in his hand. Tonks quietly closed the door behind her and cautiously walked toward the man.

She could tell by the way the moonlight reflected off the streaks of grey that her assumption had been correct. It was, in fact, Remus that was the source of the old sad song. It was playing over an old, bewitched record player that added to the almost ghostly sound of the song.

"Beautiful isn't it?" Remus asked, taking a drink from the bottle in his hand.

Tonks jumped slightly. She had been careful to be extra quiet so not to disturb him. How had he known? "Is what beautiful," she asked quietly, standing still in the middle of the room.

"The song. The moon. Everything, really," Remus replied in an almost dreamlike tone, his back was still to her. "I find it amazing how things look different in certain situations or certain frames of mind." He paused for a long moment. "I apologize, I tend to be somewhat more philosophical when I've been drinking. Well, more than I usually am."

Tonks pulled the shoulder of her bathrobe up after it slipped down her arm slightly. "I came down because I figured it was you playing the song every night. Because you miss... Sirius."

"Actually I listen to it almost every night leading up to the full moon," Remus commented. "Though the loss of Sirius has somewhat altered my interpretation of the song, I still find it soothing and relaxing when the werewolf part of me wants to be aggravating. But since Sirius _left us_, all I can remember is him teasing me about this being the only song that could sooth the beast within. I apologize for waking you."

Tonks walked closer and stood next to Remus. His eyes looked tormented and dull, hardly any of the sparks she had loved to see in those eyes was there. "You didn't wake me, I couldn't sleep anyways." She took the bottle out of his loose grip and took a long drink. Almost instantly she started coughing and choking on the amber liquid.

She heard Remus give a slight chuckle as she handed the bottle back to him. She looked up at him after she managed to stop choking; he was looking down at her with an almost cocky and amused look on his face. "I've never seen your hair change colours so many times. Yellow, pink, purple, blue, and then a multi-colouring. The mix of colours looks rather fetching I must say," he commented, and then looked back out the window. He set the bottle on the windowsill and turned to her. "Care to dance?"

A slow smile went to Tonk's lips. Though it wasn't exactly the song or the situation in which she had imagined him asking her such a thing, she couldn't help but accept his offer. She removed her bathrobe, leaving her in just her thin nightgown, and took his hand. He pulled her close, holding her somewhat firmly against his frame as they swayed to the echoing music. In the dark, hallow house, it added an even more ghostly tone to the already wistful tune of the song.

"Do you miss him," she asked after a long moment.

"Of course I do, he was my best friend," Remus murmured, his chin resting against her forehead. "The important thing is not to dwell upon it. Death is something that is inevitable and comes to all of us eventually in some form or fashion. We should celebrate the fact we're still alive especially when even those that have immortality find it's not as much as it's cracked up to be. To be immortal is to lack one of the defining qualities of being human."

"I wish I could be immortal," Tonks whispered, using the moment to inhale Remus' scent. "To never die. To live forever."

"To watch everyone you love and care for wither away into nothingness? To watch your friends grow old while you retain your youth," Remus asked. "To watch your children grow old and die."

"Oh." Tonks blinked several times. "Since you put it that way, it doesn't seem so glamorous after all."

"Exactly." She could hear a smile in his voice. "Isn't this song beautiful," he asked after another long silence.

Tonks smiled and nodded. "Yes." For some reason, since he was holding her so intimately in his arms, she didn't think she'd ever be able to look at the song the same. She used to think it was sad, but it didn't seem as sad as it sounded like simplistic beauty to her ears. And it was all because of the dance. She pulled her head back to look at him in his eyes. "Until tonight, though, I thought it was sad. But, now I find it rather beautiful and almost romant---"

She was cut off as Remus' lips softly touched hers. Warmth spread over her face as she felt Remus' hand slowly trail down to her rear end and the other slowly ran over her hip, side, and back. They had stopped dancing as their lips slowly and teasingly brushed over each other's. Remus gently bit her bottom lip and deepened the kiss, making Tonks start going weak in her knees.

She slid her hands up to his shoulders and held on tightly so not to melt onto the floor in a multicoloured puddle. She had just come down the stairs to show Remus she was also grieving over losing their friend. She hadn't counted on nearly choking on some whiskey, slow dancing to Hank Williams, and kissing Remus while his hand ran through her multi-coloured hair.

But she wasn't going to complain. Some little part of her mind had actually been hoping for exactly what was happening to happen. Though it usually only "really" happened in her dreams. She had never given any thought that such a refined gentleman like Remus Lupin would _actually_ kiss a clumsy little punk like herself.

For the first time since she'd lost her cousin, she felt alive. She felt something other than the deep emptiness in her chest since Sirius' death. Perhaps Remus was right, they merely needed to celebrate the fact they still existed and were still alive for the time being.

And nothing was saying "alive" in her mind like the small jolts of excitement coursing through her body because of Remus' hands and lips upon her. Her blood was rapidly pumping through her veins, making her feel as if she really were _truly_ alive. Their fingers found the front of the other's shirt and started making quick work of the buttons they found.

She heard it said that soldiers from wars would often "engage in relations" with someone they love, or even a stranger, just to make sure they were still alive and that their survival hadn't been a illusion to keep them from the truth of their own deaths. Perhaps it was time for both of them to make sure they weren't lost in some post-death illusion.

They had survived. The least she should be able to do is tell Remus how she'd been in love with him since the first time she had seen him at the Ministry, researching to find the werewolf that had bitten him. How all she had dreamt of was being able to touch the man beneath the tattered clothes.

After all, they could both very well be gone come morning.

She inhaled deeply as Remus tore his lips from hers. "Are you real?" he murmured against her lips, his fingertips at her throat, with something that sounded almost like desperation in his voice. "Is this really happening?" His eyes looked deeply into hers. "You should have died in the Death Room. All of us should have."

"But we didn't," Tonks smiled as they slid each other's shirts off to the floor.

"Are you sure you're not just some figment of my imagination sent to torment me for never telling you how I felt because I was so afraid you wouldn't feel the same or thought I was too old or was afraid of my... condition?" He kissed her again, this time much more softly and sweet than before.

"I'm real Remus," she murmured against his lips. She inhaled slowly as she felt his warm hands on her skin, not through a confining fabric.

This time when he pulled away, his eyes looked sad and tormented. "No one ever drinks out of a cup I've ever used, but you snatched that bottle from me and drank from it. You kissed me and didn't try to push me away. You have to be a dream."

She took his fingers in her hands and squeezed them gently. "We survived. I'm not a figment of your imagination. But, if you're still not convinced, I was once doing some research once about ancient magic and I found about this one ancient ritual -"

A small smile played at the corner of Remus' lips. She could tell by the mischievous glint in his eyes that he knew exactly what ritual she was referring to. "You wouldn't happen to mean the ancient warrior ritual of bedding their lovers when they come home would you?" Remus confirmed.

The smile that had been teasing the corner of Remus' lips spread to the point he almost looked like he did when he was in his teens. He seemed young and alive and free of care and loss. His eyes were asking her so many things, but they all boiled down to one question… _Did she feel the same way about him?_ She answered his wordless question with a kiss. His hands were already trying to unsuccessfully make short of her pajama bottoms.

"Tonight, let's just celebrate," she whispered. "I think we qualify as being warriors. This is _a_ home."

"In honour of those who lived and in deepest honour of those who passed on to the next realm of existence," Remus concluded.

Their lips met, once again in a frenzy to consume the other. Remus finally had the victory over Tonks' stubborn pajama pants and all Tonks had to do was unfasten his belt and the too-large pants fell away. Her mind was floating as she felt warm skin against her own flesh. Hot hands were slowly moving over her, as if trying to memorize every curve of her body.

Tonks felt her knees finally give out. Instead of her knees instantly coming in contact with the cold, hard, wood on the floor she was slowly lowered to it. Slowly, she felt a combination of the cool wood and a warm hearthrug on her back and the heat of Remus above her.

All she could do was pray to any god she could think of that it wasn't a dream.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Alive  
Author: LupinLovesTonks  
Rated: M for implied nudity and a sexual situation.  
Disclaimer: HP & all others are trademarks of JK Rowling. No profit is made from the use of these trademarked entities. No animals were harmed in the typing of this fic. Void where prohibited, see store for complete rules and details. Any similarities to actual events are strictly a coincidence.

* * *

Chapter Two

* * *

_Go away_, she thought as she felt the sun's first rays of light hit her eyelids. She didn't want the night to end. She didn't want the dream to end. She didn't want to wake up in her room and fully dressed. She wanted to stay in the land full of nakedness, floors, desktops, and Remus' bedroom.

A soft whimper escaped Tonks' throat as the tantalizing scent of coffee reached her nose. It replaced the mysterious, over-whelming scent of Remus she smelt all over her bedcovers. Her mouth held the after taste of whiskey, which was something she was not used to but was familiar with.

But mum," she whined softly, so it was said more to herself and the bed than anyone else. "I don't want to wake up. I want to keep having the naughty Remus dreams." She clinched her eyes closed tightly, still trying to fit the urge to become fully awake.

After a few minutes, the scent of coffee became too alluring to her senses. She opened her eyes against her pillow and sighed heavily into the cottony mass. Then she realized, something was very much wrong with her bed. She stroked the material of the pillowcase, then the sheets beneath her. They felt much softer than the scratchy, over starched sheets that were on her bed at Grimmauld. It felt much softer than any silk or satin sheets she had ever laid on.

As far as she knew, she had dreamt of taking one drink from Remus the night before. Had she actually gotten completely smashed before retreating to Grimmauld? She couldn't exactly remember… Was she even _at_ Grimmauld?

She lifted her head and looked around the room. Yes, it was definitely Grimmauld. She dove back under the warmth of the covers. The room had been in her dream. She definitely remembered her dream being rather detailed and remembered the feel of the soft sheets against her back and stomach.

Okay, perhaps it hadn't been a dream after all… There was only one way to really know, and that was to ask Remus.

She heard the door creak open, the smell of coffee and chocolate invaded the room, slipping beneath the covers through her breathing gap. Tonks hesitated before gently calling, "Remus?"

She heard something being placed on a table she had seen close to the bed. Then, Remus' voice quietly replied, "Yes?"

Tonks jerked herself to sitting, wincing as she felt a stab of pain jolt through her hips and groin. She clutched the sheets to covering her chest. Remus was knelt down beside the bed. He had his arms folded on the bed and was resting his chin on his arms. His eyes drifted up to hers.

Tonks flopped backwards onto the bed and looked over at him. "It wasn't a dream," she muttered.

Remus gave a soft half smile. "No, it wasn't. I thought it was a dream as well when I woke up. I swore you would be gone when I came back up with the coffee. It too be the longest time just to pull myself away from you." He smiled faintly and stood to his full height. He walked over to the tray with coffee and chocolate on it. He dropped a few bits of chocolate into each coffee cup. "I hope you don't mind but I sweeten my coffee with chocolate."

"Not at all, I'm always up for experimentation," Tonks grinned.

For a moment, it looked as if Remus wanted to make some sort of raunchy comment, but he had caught himself quickly.

So it hadn't been a dream. Every last detail that was etched into her mind had actually happened. Tonks could feel her body tingle with elation as she took one of the cups from Remus and carefully sipped at the steaming contents. Remus sat on the edge of the bed and sipped at his coffee. Tonks was doing her best to try and think of something to say. So, she said the first thing that came to mind…

"These sheets are really soft. Silk? Satin?"

Remus thought for a long moment. "One thousand thread count of high grade Egyptian cotton."

"Hmm, impressive," Tonks hummed.

"I only remember because I had to purchase them for Sirius. He had discovered it while on the run. So he had me go out and buy about ten sets and he was rather insistent on the thread count and the type of cotton I had to get," Remus smiled slightly. "Imagine his horror when I arrived with _only_ five hundred thread count the first time."

"He made you go back and get the right count?" Tonks laughed.

"Yes, he did. When I got back with the right ones, he held the sheets under my nose and forced me to 'feel the unmatched quality and superiority' of them. He was drooling over them like they were nude photos of Marilyn Monroe." Remus chuckled. It was a deep and throaty sound that tickled Tonks' ears.

"And what did you tell him?"

"At first I told him that twelve years in Azkaban could make anything feel unmatched and superior. I also told him that I was not a good choice of critic since, well, my furry little problem keeps me from having much choice in the type of sheets I buy." Remus looked at her. "Though later, I _did_ admit there were rather nice." His eyes slowly roamed over her face and bared shoulders. Something glowed deep within the depth of his eyes.

Tonks continued to sip on her coffee and tried to think of something else to say. What exactly did one say to a man that they had lusted over for years and woke up in their bedroom one morning after a night of repeated -- dammit, what could she refer to it as -- copulations?

"What happened last night?" she whispered, not really expecting an answer.

Once again, Remus got a thoughtful expression in his eyes. "Well, I'm not exactly sure but I think it had something to do with making ourselves feel more alive." He was silent for a moment. "Well? Are you alright? I didn't hurt you or anything did I?"

"Oh I'm fine Mr. Lupin. I just had the greatest night of my life with a man I rather much respect for his cool, calm, level headedness." There, she had admitted it and Remus had actually look rather surprised at first, but then grinned broadly. "How about you? How are you feeling this morning?"

Remus took her empty coffee cup and set both cups back onto the tray. Tonks searched his face, trying to see if she could find the answer to her question in his expression. He took a seat on the edge of the bed again and leaned close to her, his lips barely grazing hers.

"I've never, in my life, felt more alive than I do right now."

It felt like Tonks' skin had suddenly caught fire with the flames of desire. She wrapped her arms around Remus' neck and kissed him deeply. He instantly reacted by returning the embrace and the kiss. Her body felt free of any aches she had experienced earlier as his mouth explored her throat, and his hand whisked the sheets off of her, exposing her to the early morning coolness of the room and the warmth of his mouth.

Remus' fingers gently stroked her entrance. Tonks utilized the moment to attempt to yank his wretched undershirt over his head. She halfway succeeded, managing to expose his stomach. Thankfully, Remus took the hint and did away with the rest himself, including the trousers he had been wearing.

He gathered her to him, kissing her deeply. She gasped sharply as they came together. Their moans melted together as he repeatedly thrust himself into her with the same desperation he had the night before. Tonks found herself wanting more, even though her body already felt like it was in the midst of pleasured spasms.

Remus lifted himself above her, planting a fist firmly on either side of her head. Tonks grasped his upper arms, through foggy eyes she watched the play of expressions on Remus' face. At first, his eyes and lips had been barely parted as he released heavy, pant-like breaths. Then, his eyes had drifted closed and his breaths had slowed to deep and steady breaths.

"Don't stop yet Remus," she had whispered.

An expression of deep concentration momentarily graced his features. She felt a shiver course through her skin as he closed his eyes tightly and he began breathing through tightly clenched teeth. A loud, raspy, groan of relief escaped Remus' lips the same moment his door was thrust open…

"Professor Lup-- Oh my god!"

They both looked sharply to the door. Hermione looked as if she had tried to cover her eyes and her mouth at the same moment, so that her hand spanned her entire face. She had reached over and made an attempt to cover Ginny's eyes, but covered her nose and one eye instead. Both girls had very shocked and very widened eyes.

"What's all the fuss girls?" Molly's voice echoed, followed shortly by its source coming up behind Hermione and Ginny. A surprised look crossed the woman's face. "Sorry! Just wanted to let you know breakfast is done!" she yanked the two girls away from the door, scolding them as she closed the door. "This is why I always tell you two to knock before just dashing into a room!"

Remus and Tonks' eyes met. The fire that had seemed to have just been glowing in his eyes was gone. Somehow, they both knew that the night and morning that had transgressed between them was no longer their own little secret.

888

Fortunately, the only thing that had been more uncomfortable about breakfast than the vacant, unblinking expression on Molly's face was the fact Hermione and Ginny kept staring between Tonks and Remus. Though, it wasn't that hard of a task being Remus had ended up sitting beside the pink haired pixie. Other than that, no one else seemed to show the slightest clue to knowing what had happened between the metamorphmagus and the werewolf.

But, the way Hermione and Ginny would look at them then giggle and whisper to each other held the foreboding that it would not remain only between those two for very long. Every time Hermione and Ginny looked their way, Tonks could feel her face warming with embarrassment. It wasn't that she had been caught naked or in a compromising position by a Hogwarts age student, either one she could have taken alone. It was the fact _two_ Hogwarts age children had caught her naked _and_ in a compromising position that bothered her.

That and the infernal giggling that the girls would share.

After breakfast was done, Remus stood. Both Hermione and Ginny just stared at him wide eyed. He raised an eyebrow. "Hermione, Ginny, the meeting is going to be starting soon you may need to run along back upstairs with your brothers."

Both girls looked dumbfounded for a moment before chorusing, "Yes Professor Lupin." The two girls hurriedly exited the kitchen. Molly bustled around the table picking up dishes, she put a hand on Remus' shoulder and made him lower himself back into his seat.

"Now now Remus," Molly coddled. "I've told you all several times not to worry about cleaning up your breakfast things. I'll get them." She quickly whisked up their plates and toted them to the sink where a washing cloth was already making short work of the breakfast remnants. "I would also like to apologize for Hermione and Ginny bursting in on -- er, well -- such a delicate moment this morning. I've told them repeatedly to knock before bursting into rooms. Warned them that one day they would see something they didn't want to. Poor Hermione was muttering nonsense for almost ten minutes."

Tonks looked at the woman, perplexed. No scolding looks? No disapproving tone? Just an apology? That couldn't have been right. She had been half expecting Molly to try and talk to her about contraceptive things and the birds and bees. But, if Molly insisted, Tonks wasn't going to say _anything_ of a prudish nature.

"It's alright Molly," Remus sighed lightly. "I should have double checked that simple unlocking spell wouldn't have undone the locks."

Molly swatted her hand slightly and huffed. "Well, that should teach Hermione to not go about unlocking doors."


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Alive  
Author: LupinLovesTonks  
Rated: M for implied nudity and a sexual situation.  
Disclaimer: HP & all others are trademarks of JK Rowling. No profit is made from the use of these trademarked entities. No animals were harmed in the typing of this fic. Void where prohibited, see store for complete rules and details. Any similarities to actual events are strictly a coincidence.

* * *

Chapter Three

* * *

She looked across the table at him. He gave her a faint smile of encouragement before getting caught up into a story Mundungus was telling him. If it was any consolation to Tonks, it did seem as if Remus preferred to be talking to her instead of the man sitting beside him. Occasionally Remus would glance over at her and give that small smile that would make her heart double in beats for a moment.

She wasn't sure, but she had the inkling of an idea that she should join Remus in his room once all the children were in bed asleep. Perhaps he would find some way to candidly ask her to do so after the meeting. Almost everyone had arrived, they were merely waiting for Dumbledore to arrive so that the meeting could get started.

Everyone was chattering about different things. Charlie had even attempted to strike up a conversation with Tonks. But, he had discovered her to be rather distracted by her own thoughts to keep insisting. The room had suddenly fell silent as Dumbledore arrived in the doorway.

That is, silent except for Mundungus' somewhat loud comment of, "So Remus, the twins told meh ya got in with Tonks last night. Said their sister and Hermione barged in on it this morning." He had barked with laughter and patted Remus on the back.

Remus turned pale, Tonks could feel the blood drain from her own face as every eye in the room looked at Remus then at her. Tonks candidly cast a glance around the table. Every face looked horrified, except for Molly and Arthur's. The expression on some of the faces turned to amusement while others turned into twisted expressions of disgust.

Luckily, Dumbledore broke the silence. "As fascinating as it would be to continue the looks and the conversation of inter-Order affairs, I think it is time we settled into important matters of business."

888

Fortunately, nothing more had been said about Mundungus' proclamation. When Remus had given his reports, a few faces had looked amused and even, somewhat confused at him. However, when Tonks had stood to give her reports, every person that had looked at her had seemed to be fighting the urge to laugh at her.

Of course, that may have all only been in her head. She would ask Remus later for confirmation. Besides, not _that_ many people could have been concerned about what her and Remus were doing in his bedroom that morning. Tonks felt that perhaps, maybe, she was just imagining all the looks.

After the meeting, Remus had quickly dismissed himself and fled up the stairs to his room. Tonks had been left alone without anywhere to run for cover. As her luck would have it, Charlie was the first to approach her. He had a crude half smile on his face, so she knew what was coming.

"So," he started. _Go ahead, ask_, Tonks thought. "You and Remus?" Tonks pursed her lips and glared at her old classmate. "Oh come on, Tonks, I was in the room when Ginny and Hermione were telling the twins. I know all the naughty details."

"Why is it any of your business?" Tonks snapped.

Charlie held his hands up in defense. "I am just wanting to know _why_ and _how_? I mean, geesh, Tonks. He's almost old enough to be your father. It's mind boggling just to thing that someone his age is still able to get it u--"

"Charlie," Tonks sighed. "Your parents still get it on and they are older than Remus."

At that, Charlie cringed as if in a vast amount of pain. "Okay, you win. But I did not need the mental image of my parents in my head."

Charlie meandered away shortly thereafter. The Order members slowly dwindled after a few hours. At last, the children began to go away up the stairs. Eventually, Tonks was the only one still downstairs. It was becoming painstakingly obvious that Remus was not going to show his face outside of his room.

Tonks did the only thing she could do, she went up to his room. As she reached his door and could hear his pacing, an overwhelming feeling of awkwardness washed over her. Perhaps, then, it had not been a good idea to go up and talk to him about what was going on. Maybe he was embarrassed about the way it had been blurted out amongst the meeting in such a ghastly manner.

Then again, it wasn't their fault Mundungus didn't seem to notice a thin line and when it was not the time to cross it.

Tonks lifted her hand and lightly knocked on Remus' door. Instantly the pacing stopped, this was followed by long strides of heavy feet.

"I told you Charlie," Remus voice growled. "Lay off!" The door was snatched open. Remus jumped slightly in surprise, Tonks had also leapt back in surprise at the force of his tone. She had also prompt tripped over her own feet in the process and crashed to the floor. The look of fury instantly left Remus' expression and he knelt down to her level.

"I apologize," he murmured, gently taking her hand. "I thought you were Charlie coming back for a fifth round." He stood, pulling Tonks up easily as he did so.

Raising an eyebrow, Tonks asked, "Fifth round?"

Remus sighed heavily and ran his fingers roughly through his hair. "It's best not to ask." He propped against his doorframe. "Though I think it rather rude for others to listen in on private conversations," Remus said a little loudly, instantly there was the sound of a door quickly shutting. "I think it would prove best to stand out here and talk for right now."

"Charlie asked me about us too," Tonks commented. She was actually rather uncertain as to what were the proper questions to ask at that moment. "You don't think everyone is really _that_ fixated about it do you? Or is it just in my head?" _There, that would be the best way to sum it up. _

Remus shook his head and whispered a faint "no". He sighed heavily and gazed up at the ceiling. "I think perhaps they are seeing it as a mild distraction from the normal feeling of impending doom. And the fact that it was me and it was you that only added to the formula." He looked down at her. "This is awkward."

Tonks nodded in agreement. "Yeah, a little." Though Tonks didn't want to admit it, it was more than awkward it was out right uncomfortable and unnerving and many more adjectives that she couldn't quiet place. A part of her knew that is _was_ because it was Remus that made it that way.

A one nighter was not supposed to leave her feeling as complete and whole as this one had. It was a world of difference from the usual content but unfulfilled feelings that had come from the few she had experienced in her past. It felt as if she had taken a book of her life, closed it, put it on the shelf, and taken out a blank book to start writing a new book.

"Well, Remus we could just have a kiss and see if there's any sort of feeling in it and… if there's not, then we take this no further," Tonks suggested.

Even before Remus' hand had gently stroked her face, Tonks knew there would be feelings in it. The moment their lips touched she felt the warmth spread through her entire being. She wasn't sure how long the kiss had lasted, just that the simple slightly chaste kiss had made her feel things she had never felt prior to the night before.

The two of them gazed at each other a long moment. There was a soft warmth to Remus' eyes as they took in her features.

"Anything?" Tonks whispered, the first one of the two to be able to form any sort of thoughts.

"None," Remus said quietly. "You?"

"Absolutely nothing," Tonks replied quietly. She hoped that a look of disappointment had not crossed her features when he had replied. For a moment she thought perhaps she had seen one in Remus' eyes when she had given her reply but, what was said had been said. "I guess this is settled then. There's no 'us'. It goes no further than two friends trying to comfort each other over a very emotional loss."

Remus nodded stiffly. "It _is_ settled."

The two of them shook hands and plastered on forced smiles and Remus went back into his room. Tonks heard his weight thud against the door. Tonks retreated to her own room, closing the door behind her. She leaned against the door and gazed at her bed.

The blankets were still disheveled from where the two of them had retreated to it after the library had out-lived it's usefulness. He had retreated to his room afterwards and she had tossed and turned for the better part of half an hour before running to Remus' room for more.

She felt her blood drain from her face and her eyes began to sting. For some reason, her body felt dead, but her spirit felt more alive than it ever had. For one night she had known what it felt like to be complete, her soul was rejuvenated by it. Her soul was still beaming with energy from it, while her body was quickly coming to terms with the fact…

She had just thrown away any chance of feeling that way again.


End file.
